Some funny things from here and there.
Donald Duck is famous for his short temper and hilarious outbursts. Some of his funniest and most classic quotes include “I’m too modest. I know I’m great,” “I’ve never seen a problem a good punch couldn’t fix!” and “Shut up! I can’t stand it!”
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors’ homes, too.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things get worse .
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
thesaxons.uk/wp/ is located in the lowest house, on the smallest and lowest inhabited island on the Adriatic coast of Croatia.
Sent in by Cal Reuter
Sent in by Carl Reuter
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 14, 2004.)
I’m a pretty good housekeeper. Ask anybody.
No, wait: Don’t ask my wife. She and I disagree on certain housekeeping issues, such as whether it’s OK for a house to contain dirt. Also smells. If NASA scientists really want to know about life on Mars, instead of sending up robots that keep finding rocks, they need to send my wife and have her take a whiff of the Martian atmosphere. If there’s a single one-celled organism anywhere on the planet, she’ll smell it.
And if the other astronauts don’t stop her, she’ll kill it with Lysol. Which is why her approach to leftovers baffles me. I am opposed to leftovers. I believe the only food that should be kept around is takeout Chinese, which contains a powerful preservative called ”kung pao” that enables it to remain edible for several football seasons.
All other leftover foods should be thrown away immediately, for the same reason you should not go to your 40th high-school reunion. You go expecting to see people whom you vaguely remember as being attractive, and even though you know they’ve aged some — heck, even YOU have aged some — you figure, hey, it’s not as if you’re OLD yet! You’re middle-aged!
Like Harrison Ford!
So you go to the reunion, and suddenly you find yourself in a room full of unrecognizable fossils, lurching around the dance floor to the sounds of Herman’s Hermits, and you realize to your horror that YOU ARE ONE OF THEM.
You get the same kind of unpleasant shock with leftovers. Time and again, in my house, when we’re cleaning up after dinner, there will be, say, a small clump of uneaten string beans, and I’ll have it poised over the garbage, and my wife will lunge for it like a person rescuing a baby from a wood chipper, saying: ”Those will be good for leftovers!” She’ll carefully seal the string beans in a plastic container and put them in the refrigerator, as if she truly believes that sometime in the near future an actual human in our household will say: “Dang! I could really chow down on some old string beans!”
Now fast-forward about a month, when my wife, passing the refrigerator, detects an odor molecule. So she takes out the plastic container and discovers that EWWW the string beans have been replaced by alien space worms with inch-long blue fur. Which of course she hurls into the garbage, which, as you may recall, is exactly where I tried to throw them a month earlier. This is what happens to, I would estimate, 100 percent of our non-Chinese-takeout “leftovers.”
Speaking of refrigerator odors, here’s a:
PRACTICAL HOMEMAKER TIP — Keep an open box of baking soda in your refrigerator. That way, when people come to visit, you can say: ”Would you care for some cold baking soda?” Then they will leave.
But I digress. My point-and I know this because I’m using powerful point-detection software-is that people have differing views about what constitutes good housekeeping. This is why I’m so interested in an article that appeared recently in The New York Times.
The article states that your kitchen-yes, YOUR kitchen-is basically a festering swarm of potentially deadly bacteria. The most interesting part of the article concerns a discovery by a University of Arizona microbiology professor named Dr. Chuck Gerba, who is an expert on household germs. I am familiar with Dr. Gerba, because some years ago I interviewed him on bathroom cleanliness, and he told me that the only sure way to kill all the bacteria on a toilet is — I am not making this up — to put laboratory alcohol on the bowl and set it on fire.
LEGAL ADVISORY — Dr. Gerba is a trained bathroom scientist. As a layperson, you must NEVER EVER set your toilet on fire, EVER. Also be advised that it looks much cooler with the lights out.
So anyway, Dr. Gerba has found that the cleanest-looking kitchens were often the dirtiest. ‘Because `clean’ people wipe up so much, they often end up spreading bacteria all over the place. The cleanest kitchens,” he said, “were in the homes of bachelors, who never wiped up and just put their dirty dishes in the sink.”
That’s right: You so-called ”good housekeepers” are in fact smearing bacteria around, while we so-called ”slobs” are, by courageous inaction, making the world’s kitchens safer for everybody.
There’s no need to thank us. All we ask is a little respect.
Also, while you’re sniffing those leftovers, please grab us a beer.
(c) 2009, Dave Barry
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